had to refocus on ours.
Have you ever gotten to a point in your marriage where it feels more like a partnership to raise children than a relationship that actually created those children? If so, you’re not alone! Rich and I had 4 amazing, wonderful, planned-for and very much wanted kiddos in a 5-year period. And somewhere along the way, we lost sight of the fun-loving, adventurous couple we were before we started our family. It took one kick-down drag out, rock bottom fight to realize we had prioritized our parenting and children as opposed to our marriage and each other. Something had to change!
A long time ago, a much wiser married couple told us to pour into our marriage and prioritize it above our kids always, because before kids, there was just you two, and once you’ve raised those children to go out on their own, it will just be you two again and you darn well better like the person by your side at that time. Did you know one of the highest divorce rates in the United States is among empty nesters? Parenting is hard, and it’s so easy to become fully absorbed in our children’s lives to the point we lose sight of our own. Before you know it you reach a point where you’ve grown and changed so much individually, you have nothing in common together anymore! This was exactly where we were at a few months ago. Neither of us wanted to be part of that divorce statistic now or later, so after some tough conversation, Rich and I both realized that even on our hardest days, we need to figure out a way to grow closer together and commit to loving each other well for the long haul.
So how have we done this? Enter the weekly date night. Now before you roll your eyes and say “but who can ACTUALLY” manage a date night every single week?” I’m here to tell you, if you make it a priority, EVERYONE can. We sit down on Sunday night for 30 minutes after the kids are down every week and have a team meeting. We look at our week ahead, managing both of our work schedules, kiddo activities, meals, and finances, and then we pick a night for at least 1 hour together sans kiddos for a “date”. Some weeks, this means getting a babysitter and going out to do something fun together (like Mini golf and dinner, or a workout together and gelato). But most weeks, it looks more like playing a game of Scrabble at home after we put the kids to bed, or reading our notes from church together and chatting about it. One of my favorites is when we put together a charcuterie platter, light a fire, and just focus on connecting. It’s so hard to find that quality time and conversation that it really does take a conscious effort to make it happen.
Since we started these dates nights about six months ago (only took us 13 years of marriage to figure this system out!), both Rich and I have seen major changes in our relationships. We‘re more patient with the kids and generally present a more united front in our parenting. We’re more thoughtful of each other’s pain points and triggers throughout the week, and we are just kinder to one another because we appreciate each other more! It’s taken a lot of effort and prioritizing our marriage above all else to get here, but it has also felt like a really important life-long accomplishment that we will look back on as a turning point in making it beyond just parenting our kids together and really developing a loving relationship that we pray our kids look at some day and say “that’s what I want”. In my eyes, I can’t think of any goal more worthwhile than modeling the relationship you hope your kids find in their spouse someday. It takes work, but it’s worth it!
What are some of your favorite date night activities?
