When I first met Rich, I knew he was a Marine. What I didn’t know was just what that meant for our marriage and relationship for the long haul. What I saw as a 21-year-old college senior was a hot-shot, Marine pilot, living large with a good head on his shoulders and solid income. Who wouldn’t want to date that guy?! Little did I know that in our coming 14 years as a couple we’d face more time apart than together, deployments to war zones, deployments to ships, mishaps, death, homecomings, delayed homecomings, promotions, and disappointments. The lighthearted days of our courtship and my ignorance of all things military left me ill-prepared for the realities of what making a marriage work under these circumstances would look like. And yet, here we are. By the grace of God, and with a lot of intention and hard work, we have made it to today. With retirement looming in the next couple years, I feel compelled to share what has worked for us and how we’ve gotten through the hardest of times. Because what better testament to love is there than a survivors story?
Focus on the 10%
This is advice given to me by a older and wiser friend that has provided so much hope during times of disappointment. When the military seems to rule our lives and I feel like an afterthought, by no fault of my husband’s (even though sometimes it’s easier to feel that way), I can get really negative and dare I say spiteful towards Rich. Admittedly, I have feelings like I’m in this alone and raising the kids by myself. That’s obviously not true, and I know Rich would rather be here with our family than anywhere else, but after being apart for a long time and dealing with all.the.things back home, your mind can play some pretty cruel tricks on you. On the days when I’m fed up and over it, rather than get caught in the 90% of things that AREN’T going right, I try to focus on the 10% that is. So let’s say I’m exhausted after a long work week, teething kiddo, and fighting siblings and desperately need a break but Rich is deployed and I can’t find a sitter. There’s no backup for me and I’m starting to think of everything I’m doing back home while Rich is out there getting a full night’s sleep and hanging out with his buddies…INSTEAD of letting my mind go down that path, I turn it around and tell myself that what’s good from this is that Rich is providing an amazing life for our family. He’s a hard worker, selfless, and a good father and husband. Focusing on that 10% in those times of overwhelm have really helped me shift my mentality and get through it rather than dwelling on the negative thoughts.
When things get too serious…Have fun together!
Rich and I went through a really hard time about 12 months into our marriage. As I mentioned before I was not prepared for what being a military spouse meant, and couple that with living far away from family and friends and trying to understand where I fit into this new norm, to say we were struggling was an understatement. But then, I distinctly remember one night, after a day of fighting and resent, Rich and I decided to put our differences aside and plan a day date for the upcoming weekend. We got our snorkeling gear out and headed to La Jolla Cove to check out the Garibaldi fish and just enjoy each other’s company. What happened in the meantime was that we remembered why we fell in love and why that love was worth fighting for. We are both people who like to be successful…but sometimes the best thing for our relationship is to stop trying to work so hard at it and just enjoy it!
Plan Fun to Look Forward To
Deployments suck. Plain and simple. But with that said, the sooner you can focus on the positive aspects of deployment, the easier (at least for me) they become. Each time Rich deploys, I plan something for myself to focus on. Whether it be getting in shape, traveling, learning something new, or even coming up with fun things to do with the kids, it helps SO much to have dates on the calendar to look forward to both while he’s gone, and when he gets home. We always plan a family trip, even if it’s a staycation, about a month after he returns from deployment. Then, while he’s gone, we both research wherever we are going and try to come up with some fun ideas to do as a family and as a couple while we are gone. The only goal of those post-deployment trips is to relax and enjoy being together!
Stay Connected
One of my biggest qualms with being a military spouse is that sometimes, it feels like you’re doing it alone. Parenting, home ownership, life! When your spouse isn’t physically there a lot, it’s hard not to go down the rabbit hole of “I’m always alone anyways…”. Don’t go there. It’s not worth it and will only make things harder! What you can do to combat these feelings is find a way to stay connected, even when you’re apart. Rich and I recently found these Promptly Journals Loom Journals and have already been completing them weekly ahead of an upcoming deployment. Our goal is to continue passing the book back and forth while he’s gone as a way to stay connected with each other even when we can’t physically be together. When Rich was in Afghanistan back in 2008, we read the Five Love Languages book together remotely, and that was another great resource to keep us connected.
Make Friends Outside the Military Community
This one is obviously easier if you live off base, rather than in base housing, but it has been a crucial one for our marriage. We have always chosen to live off base, in a community, with the hope of giving our children exposure to “normal” life, while also teaching them what it means to serve our country. Part of living off base has been meeting some incredibly awesome friends who have become our chosen family. In each duty station, we’ve met a handful of couples who have become our lifelong friends. They’ve given us a glimpse into civilian life, and we’ve shared our military life experiences with them. While we love the friendships we’ve made with our military friends, there’s something really refreshing about doing a date night with civilian friends, too. It helps us understand our marriage and dynamic better, and also reminds us that there’s life outside the chaos and ever-changing world of the military! It’s also really nice to not “talk shop” during the few times we are able to spend together sans kids. There’s enough mandatory fun thrown our way by the military, so making time to hear about life outside the Marine Corps is always extremely refreshing. And from a deployment standpoint, the friends I’ve made in the civilian world have been the most incredible blessings to me and the kids while Rich is gone. We have been so lucky to have an amazing group of people surrounding us and supporting us through each deployment and beyond.
Have Patience During the Transitions
And boy there are so many transitions! The hardest one for us might actually surprise people. It’s never the transition to Rich leaving for a deployment, but is actually the transition of him coming home. When he returns, he has to get used to fitting into the life that’s kept going while he’s been gone and we have to find a place to welcome him into. It’s a hard balance of letting go of the things I’ve had to take on while he’s been gone and also him stepping in to things he hasn’t had to do in months. We usually follow the typical stages of team development and have a good forming, storming, norming, and performing period before we hit our stride. Just knowing this is normal and a phase really helps us to get through them.
Those are my “expert” tips from a not-so-expert person. We aren’t perfect, and we absolutely have our challenges, but at the end of the day, we love each other and are committed to making our marriage work, despite the circumstances being active duty for this long means. Would love to hear what you do with your spouse to make your marriage work!
